Giant Squid

I am deathly afraid of giant squid.
My mom told me to write about this today when we had a good long talk about them.

I think it was Freud that says most irrational fears (although I will argue to the death that this is completely rational of me) stem from something that happened to you at a very young age.
If we're going along this route it all started when my parents took me to Disney World and I rode 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I was the sorry kid who got stuck on the window right next to the big squid eye as the fake submarine restlessly shook the living daylights out of you, while lights flickered, and people screamed, and alarms sounded. This doesn't paint a very pretty picture, especially for a five year old.
A mere seven years later I found myself on family vacation again, except this time we were in the Smithsonian in Washington D.C., in a deep sea science exhibit. Don't misunderstand me, I have a deep passion for all things oceanic, sans giant squid. I didn't even realize I was afraid of giant squid at the time I was twelve, until my father called to me from across the exhibit,
"Laura, come over here. I want to show you something."
Now, my biological father might not have been the coolest guy on earth, but he had a knack for finding pretty awesome museum exhibits. This moment, however, was not one of his strongest. Because what I found when I went to where he was standing was a pickled giant squid eye recovered off of some small Asian Coast. The eye was bigger than me. (Back come all of the associated feelings from the ride seven years prior, in my head alarms were going off, lights were flickering, small children were screaming, including myself.) In this moment of panic I immediately tried to find something to avert my eyes to, only to find a life sized replica of a giant squid next to a life sized replica of a Sperm Whale...and there wasn't much of a size difference.
We weren't in that exhibit much longer after that.

I'm really cruel to myelf, I like to torture myself. For instance, last summer when I was home for a bit, I found myself drawn to a discovery channel special on giant squid and I watched the entirety of it. I was both terrified and intruiged. I learned things, like the fact that giant squid have BEAKS in their tentacles, and that they torture their prey. Their prey include really large things like small whales, sharks, and such. Tons of stories have amassed over the years of how cruel they can be. The only thing that eats them are Sperm Whales.
Rest assured, the Discovery Channel told me no one had actually ever seen a live one. Only dead ones that wash ashore. Dead ones that at their longest have tentacles twenty-five feet long. (That's close to five of me.)

False sense of security Discovery Channel, thanks. Not three months later there was the first ever recorded sighting and proof that giant squid excist somewhere off of the Japanese coast. I saw the pictures. It's scary.

I know you're all thinking that this is completely irrational of me, and probably the lamest phobia a gal could have. But really, its quite rational, and functional. 1. I have every reason to be afraid of giant squid. If I did for some reason encounter one, it would no doubt eat me with its creepy tentacles and beak, and it would hurt, and probably also involve me drowning, etc. 2. It's functional because the odds of this actually occuring are so slim. I can go about my daily life (especially in the midwest) without ever having to worry about running into one. If I was a deepsea fisherman in Japan, this would be quite different.

Anyway, so this summer Rachel and I decided it would be really cool to go to the IMAX. The first one that we went to was called "Deep Sea 3-D." The poster of it had a big sea turtle and some coral-reef madness. It seemed safe enough. Narrated by Johnny Depp, I expected it to be a more interactive real-life Finding Nemo kind of thing. Right before it started I had a forshadowing moment.
"Rache, if there are giant squid in this thing, I'm going to freak out, you realize."
"No Laura, you're completely cool."
"Rache, I'm not sure you get what I'm saying." As I said this, the lights dimmed, children ooh-ed and and ahh-ed, jelly fish danced infront of my nose, and I kept my fear to myself.
About three-fourths through the movie I was suffering from a false sense of security. But then the music changed. Johnny's tone changed. And the background went black.
"BUT in the middle of the ocean you'll find your worst nightmare."
"Dammit." I muttered under my breath. I then tried to convince myself that this would be some kind of shark segment, despite my knowledge that sharks don't live in the middle of the ocean like that.
"They'll eat sharks." Well, there goes that idea. A squid darts across the screen.
"They'll eat humans." Dammit dammit dammit. Two more.
"THEY'LL EAT ANYTHING." The damn squid attacks the camera. In 3-D. So really, this is my worst nightmare. And surrounded by old people and cub-scouts, I was the only ass that screamed. Rache just kept whispering comforting things like, "Laura it's ok. I'm so sorry, It's almost over. shh."